A Proud Loner
No matter how many friends I have. No matter how big my family is. No matter how much time I spend with my significant other. I still feel alone.
Solitude.
Most days I enjoy my solitude.
Nights like tonight not so much. I feel as though I cannot please anyone. It's hard to even please myself I want to ask God Why? But what good will that do . I'm upset . I want to cry but the tears just don't form. I'm in pain. I want to scream.
I want to pack up and move far away from everyone. I can't grow creatively with negativity constantly around me.These people make me feel less than. I'm obnoxious. I talk too loud. African women always want to please their men. They always want to be submissive. I am not that woman. I voice my opinion. I speak my mind. This is who I am.
Tears running down my cheeks because tonight I've realized I can't please everyone. I Am Not living for man. I am living for me. I don't want to work a 9-5. However I need money to pay these bills .
I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to start my own business from the ground up with the most genius team behind me. A team full of intelligent women. This is the constant battle I have with myself everyday.
Shakespeare's Hamlet, "To be, Or Not To Be."
To Pursue My Dreams or To Work A 9-5.
To Move Far Away With No Money And Start Fresh . To Stay In An Uncomfortable Environment That Doesn't Make Room For Me To Grow.
(Written 16 days ago, Today is the 18th of July My perception may have changed, these are personal thoughts that often formulate when I am stressed or angry with my growth process)
It doesn't get anymore personal than this. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to make myself happy is if I focus on myself. Posts like this rarely get published. They build up in my drafts, collecting dust, awaiting for their debut.
However, this post reveals that I am not the only one that may feel like this. Everyone has a sense of loneliness sometimes. These lonely days are to only make us stronger in building a greater love for thyself.
I have become my own best friend. I have become my own competitor. The more I pay attention to my needs, the less I compare myself and focus on what the next man is doing. Rule of thumb for everyone out there. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF ! Not healthy, will stunt your growth.
An inspirational writer by the name of Alex Elle made a post I was quick to screenshot and repost. She wrote, "If you keep worrying about them, you'll forget about you. Stay focused (Elle, 2015)." This certainly hit home for me.
It's one thing to gain inspiration and take notes when in your alone time. Yet it is another problem when you constantly beat yourself up or battle with your mind because you're not like the rest; even though you are capable of being at that level.
I now use my solitude wisely. To create and think freely. I use my alone time to focus on my evolution and how to reach the next level. Planning and Implementation. Organizing and Writing. This is to better myself. As an over thinker I believe this blog will help me clear up my visions and thoughts.
I Am Who I Am
Thanks,
Desiree Dossen
Neferdede