Tout Seul

13hrs ago

The room is pitch black, I am invincible here and everywhere. As I bury my half, naked body underneath my comforter, I begin to think to myself this is where I find most solace. I scroll on on Instagram nothing excites me. I scroll on tumblr I reblog until cannot reblog anymore. I watch snapchat stories until they begin to bore me. Checking stats on my blog, that no one cares to support or even read. Here I am all alone on a Friday night. What a surprise?

I enjoy the comfort of my bed and being home. Most days I just wish I had someone to say Desiree, let's go out. I want to take you out. Better yet, don't make any plans, I got something for us to do. Well that's not my life. I don't want to go out every weekend, but most weekends I want to have fun.

The feeling of being left out. The feeling of discouragement clouds my mental this evening. Well this morning being that it is 3:17am

I want to laugh, I want to dance, I want to be liberated and enjoy my youth. Am I growing up to fast? I'm not enjoying life like how I should be.

I'm sad. But what's new? This is why I stay to myself. I don't think people can handle the amount of emotions I bottle up inside. Therefore to not let people pity me, I go about my business and do my own thing. Whatever that is. I try to keep myself occupied. But, at times those occupations can get redundant. For that reason, like a night like tonight, I'm here shedding tears because I want to have fun.

You reading this are like okay then, have fun. Go out, mingle make new friends.

Reasons to why I don't go out or cannot go out.

• I don't have my own vehicle
• I am not 21 and all of the events I would attend are 21+
• If I'm not at school, I'm working, If I'm home I have no plans
• I am picky, I don't just go to random parties or events
• I like mainly raggae, soca, and afrobeats, parties in America are nothing of the kind. If they are they are far from where I live.
• I don't have that many friends. The ones I do have, I barely talk to or go out with
• I am my own friend

How do I network and make new friends? I don't want it to all be pretend. I want to build meaningful relationships and bonds with various individuals. Yet if I do so I may come off as needy or desperate. In which I am not. Some days I just want someone to keep me company.

They say I'm too sensitive and look at things too deeply. I say I'm very passionate about certain things and it may trigger me more than others. I want to enjoy my life. Yes I'm seeking out happiness because I'm rarely happy.

They say happiness is temporary. Yes, that is understood to the highest degree. However I still want that temporary high to put me in a great mood. I have joy deep down in my heart. Happiness is what I lack. Where do I find this thing they call happiness. Where can get some.

Happiness is like that exclusive street drug everyone wants to try just to be down.

I want that euphoric high of happiness to fill me up, give me energy, and clear up my mind.

Yours Truly,

A StylistaInMind